There are two kinds of invitations in life. The ones you want (like the opening of a new BBQ place with an open beer garden and zero judgment).

Tailgating? Bring some cigars.

Whiskey tasting event? Bring some cigars.

Pool party? Bring some cigars.

Rugby watching party? Bring some cigars.

Then there are those you don’t want to be invited to (like your spouse’s best friend’s 3^rd wedding).

Baby shower. Baby’s first birthday. Baby’s first step. Ok…baby anything.

Mandatory bonding session with co-workers.

Gender reveal party. 

Church potluck and cakewalk. 

Most of the time, you have a shot at just flat out getting out of going to the latter. I mean things come up. Emergency pipe leak. Electrical fire. Haircut. Whatever.

But sometimes you can’t get out of it, and that’s when we need to do a little prep work beforehand.

Step 1 – Recon like it’s your job.

Does the venue have a patio, fire pit, or at least that smoke exile zone near the dumpsters? If the event is at a golf country club, you have won the lottery.

How much time will you have? This might be the time to go in super stealthy with some smaller sticks that fit into that jacket that you no longer fit into. Bring a couple extra, you will probably meet some new friends while you are in exile.

Step 2 – Timing Is Everything.

There are three big windows at every event.

You can pre-game as you are going in. Go straight for the smokers outpost and light one up. Typically, your spouse or date can go with the ‘he is just parking the car’ and that will buy you a solid 15-20 minutes before anyone thinks you got lost walking down the trophy aisle on the way to the ballroom.

An intermission smoke is pretty easy as well. Weddings and big events all have dead zones between saying “I do” and the DJ playing the YMCA. Are they taking group photos of all the ‘employee of the year’ winners? Perfect, you just bought yourself 45 minutes.

The “I’ll be right back” strategy. This one is solid at any time after the halfway mark. Hey, people need to use the restroom…so no one asks where you are going, or why. If your partner is in on it, this one can easily be a 40-minute to an hour before someone starts looking for you. The more alcohol and the event, the better.

Side Note: Slip the DJ $30 NOT to play the Macarena. This has nothing to do with smoking, just a good idea in life.

Step Three – Stay flexible.

A covert cigar smoker is always looking for opportunities to slip outside for a quick corona.

Offer to help the caterer move chairs.

Does someone need to check on the cake delivery?

“I left my lights on.”

“The bathroom is full…I will check the one down the hall.”

“Strange, my car alarm is going off. I’d better check.”

Life is full of events, and cigar smokers are not exactly welcomed with open arms. But, with some planning, sneaking, and stealth-like behavior, you will get through it.