You may have seen many companies update their privacy policies lately.

Lawyers. Regulations. Serious words. Very official. We did the same.

At Cigar Press, we believe in transparency. If we are going to completely ignore your privacy, you deserve to know exactly how.

Important Privacy Changes Taking Effect April 1

Our updated policy allows us to:

• Tell your spouse exactly how much you are spending on cigars.

• Text your high school crushes up to 100 times at exactly 3:05 AM to let them know you are thinking about them and ‘look forward’ to the reunion.

• Repossess any ice cream in your freezer.

• Replace your gym playlist with 1997 boy bands during your most important workout.

• Casually mention your browser history during cigar lounge conversations.

• Forward your group chat messages to your mother when you say, “do not tell anyone.”

• Downgrade your airline seat if you complain about cigar prices.

• Send you 14 emails about pipe tobacco just to see if you notice.

• Automatically tag you in all group debates about whether plume exists.

We may also:

Show your search history to your sister.

Change out your coffee beans.

Judge how you cut your cigar.

Move your lighter to the last place you will look.

And remind everyone that you said you were quitting sugar…again.

Of course, we take your privacy seriously. Very seriously. Almost professionally serious.

How To Opt Out (Good Luck)

1. Print this email.

2. Fold it into a paper airplane.

3. Throw it across the room.

4. Someone will contact you in 6 to 8 business months

Thank you for being part of Cigar Press.

Without you, we would have significantly fewer people to mildly inconvenience.

Happy April Fools’ Day. Fred and Thor

P.S. We will never actually contact your high school crush. Probably.