I think my second favorite subject, after reading reviews from someone who gets 52 flavors in one cigar, is the pairings.

Now, I want you to know there are excellent pairings. Ferio Tego Summa and rum come to mind. Or a Glenfiddich 21-year-old with a Romeo y Julieta. Even AJ’s Shadow King with an Old Fashioned.

For every perfect pairing out there, there’s a train wreck waiting to happen…and now no one wants to talk about those.

That IPA that has been sitting in your garage fridge for 10 months. That mystery bottle with no label that your brother-in-law brought over during her home brewing phase.

Yep, they can’t all be winners. So, let’s have some fun with some pairings you might want to avoid.

Maduro + Grape Nehi
Because nothing says “I’m a grown ass man” better than a dark cigar and a soda enjoyed by a fictional character from M*A*S*H. The rich espresso notes are smothered out by a pure sugar bomb. Only thing that makes this better is if you open your own adult Kool-Aid stand. [Full disclosure: I don’t even know if they make grape Nehi anymore.]

Connecticut Shade + Kombucha
You know those creamy, subtle flavors you enjoy with a morning coffee? Well, throw that out the window and go with something that has excellent gut health but simultaneously has your palate filing a restraining order. If you want that face between puffs like you just sucked a lemon…this is your pairing.

Habano 2000 + Energy Drink
I think Habano 2000* is the most diverse wrapper around. It goes with anything. It even goes with….wait…what? You are drinking a Monster Drink that basically screams ‘a could care less about the last 5 years of my life.’ [Bonus points of you can keep from ashing your cigar every 3 seconds there twitchy.]

Broadleaf + Milkshake
I bet it sounded great on paper – a big bold cigar, thick chocolate milkshake. It’s like your inner child decided to make the rules on this pairing and any past freezer burn stopped you from stepping in and correcting this course of action. Unless you are Jack Torrence from The Shining, and this is your farewell final scene, skip the ice cream social and go get an adult pairing.

Anything + Boxed Wine
I don’t even want to write anything about this because, there is a part of me that feels this just might work. Just kidding there soccer mom. Keep these lives separate. Buy a bottle that a) has a cork, and b) costs more that $12/bottle*

*And that is for the SMALL bottle, not the 1.5 liter bottle. 

The final word on pairings…

Pairings matter. Sure, some magical things happen by experimenting, but you keep that SH** to yourself until you know you have a winner. You don’t announce to the world you’ve discovered sushi until you’re sure it’s not just raw bait.